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Thursday, 4 June 2015 | 4 comment

asslamualaikum 


i havent post my blog for a pretty long time. i dont have any interesting stories to share. but i do have a story to share. not interesting story. it is something i hold since i was a kid until now. you may think im an attention seeker after you read this. im the person who is hard to share my feelings to other people even it is so painfull. i will hold it until i cant even stand because im too scared but today i feel like i want to make a change. i will let it go little by little.

i have anxiety inside me since i was little kid. it makes me feel dizzy, cant breath, stomach pain, chest pain, makes my body trembling and cant even stand and it also controls my mind. i dont really remember about my childhood memories. it all fuzzy. but i do remember this little story happened to me when i was eight years old i guess. i got an anxiety attack in the middle of time im with my relatives. all what i was thinking is dying. eight years old kid thinking about suicide is not healthy. all what i did is just cry, cry and hoping i will be get killed.

when i was fourteen, i addicted to pills for 1 year but i stopped because my cousin found out. my fourteen years old and fifteen years old life were not going so well. i dont want to share abot my fourteen years old life because most of the stories are about my family problems. something happened to me when was fifteen that makes me cant forgive myself, my family, my friends and people around me. i've depressed for a few months, i've not eaten for a week, or talk. the person who always eats when they are stress or sad are now starving when it happens to them. is it bad sign?

i always take a liquid that contains caffeine in it (coffe, coke, etc) back then and one day, mom banned coffee at home because i get migraine so frequently. now, i dont always take a liquid that contains caffeine anymore because i remembered that doctor told me i have a hormone problems. and im doing well at school now.

my friends once asked me why i dont go to see a doctor and they also said i have an illness that cause me weak or something like that when im in crowd i dont remember the name because i never heard of it before. you know it is time to see a doctor when anxiety makes you want to hurt people around you. i am too scared. i dont even tell my problems to my parent nor my best friends and sometimes, i think why im still standing why im still here if it hurts so bad.

i must get going because there is still people out there who tell me everything is okay, will do anything to makes me feel better, help me to walk when i cant, will sit at me when im alone, hug me when im scared, laugh with me and stay with me. 

i think i will end my story here. thank you

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